A humorous fable from South India about a bogus guru and his five useless disciples. Each episode of the story defeats one of the six atheistic systems of Vedic philosophy (shad-darshanas). Here we provide only the story. The philosophical analysis is not included.
Guru Paramartha is walking to a temple with his five disciples. He's explaining that "Life is what all living things have and all living things move. The leaves of this tree move, so we know it is alive."
They come to a river. "Is it asleep or awake?" One disciple checks by lighting a branch and sticking it in the river. It hisses and belches steam. They run backwards from the bank. "It's alive!"
They wait in a garden for the river to fall asleep. Another disciple tell show his grandfather lost 4 bags of salt when fording the river with donkeys. "The river stole the salt, and though the bags were still stitched up, the salt was gone!"
They watch a horseman ford the river and think that's the solution to get a horse. Then GP decides that perhaps the river is asleep now. So he tells a disciple to check. He decides to do it the "proven way" - by getting the same stick and putting it in the water. Of course the stick is wet and blackened, so no hiss or steam is produced. He reports back that the river is asleep. (Nyaya philosophy)
They cross it without mishap. When they are on the other side, GP counts heads, but because he can't see himself he counts only five. They are aghast that the river has stolen away one of their number. Another disciple counts up, but with the same result.
They lament loudly. A clever pilgrim comes by and asks what is the matter. Hearing their reply he decides to cheat them. He tells them he is an exorcist and can force the river to return the lost man. He has them bend over and shut their eyes. He says, "When you feel something, you just shout out your name. Then he gives each a whack on the ass with a stick. As each cries out his name, the man announces "One!" "Two!" And so on. Thus they discover six are there. In great thankfulness, they give him 45 gold coins. (Sankhya)
Later an old lady tells them they should just carry a cowpat when they travel and after crossing the river, they should stick their noses in it and count the nose impressions. They like this idea very much.
Back at the ashram, they remember the nice horse they saw. They decide to buy one, estimating it would cost 100 gold coins. But the idea is rejected as too expensive. Then the ashram cow runs off. So one disciple vows to find the cow or not return. After 4 days he returns elated, but has no cow. GP is angry, but this disciple explains that he has found out how to buy a horse for just a few coins. He tells of seeing horse eggs lying in the grass next to a herd of horses. The locals say that the herd belongs to a rich vaishya, and that he'd gladly sell the horse eggs for 5 gold coins.
He gives 2 disciples 5 coins and sends them on their way. Meanwhile the guru and 3 other disciples talk over who will sit on the horse egg, and it seems no-one is more fit than GP, as he has nothing else to do anyway.
In the meantime, the 2 others find the businessman, who tries to "cheat" them, and finally settles on 5 coins for a pumpkin. Walking back, the disciple carrying the pumpkin on his head trips and falls. It lands next to a bush and breaks. In the bush a rabbit was hiding, so when the rabbit runs off frightened, the 2 think its the baby horse and go after it.
They fail, and return in great lamentation. They are sorely afraid of disappointing their guru. But when he hears the story, he seems satisfied.
"As an old man, I could never ride on a horse like that. Don't worry it was only 5 gold coins." (Vaisishika) (Ghodar Deem - Horse's Egg)
Then they prepare for a long pilgrimage. The disciples decide to rent a bull for the guru, as he is so old. They get one for 3 coins a day. They enter an arid desert area, and the guru becomes so overheated he falls off the bull. They put the guru in the shadow of the bull and fan him until the day grows long, and then return to the village where they rented the bull. The next morning they bring the bull back.
The man demands extra payment for the use of the bull's shadow. There is a big fight over this. Then one man comes up and says he could settle the whole matter. He told about eating his home-packed lunch in an inn restaurant, and being asked afterwards to pay for the smell of pakoras that he'd so obviously enjoyed while eating his cold rice. But the owner said he'd just have to pay in kind - "let me smell your moneybag." He told the disciple with the moneybag to shake the bag in the ear of the bull and pay in sound for the use of his shadow.
The next day they travel onward and rested in a temple garden to avoid the midday heat. The temple was built on a lake. The deity is Iyyanar, an assistant to Lord Shiva who kept away ghosts and hobgoblins. The wall of the temple is decorated with clay statues that were sculpted by the villagers as offerings to the god. While one disciple frolics near the lake, he sees the reflection of a horse in the water. Seeing the reflection move, he considers how to catch the horse. So, he and the other disciples make a fishing pole of GP's cane, a turban for a fishing line, a garden knife with a curved blade for a hook, and a sack of cooked rice for bait. They cast in the bait and it is seized by a huge fish. They pull one way, the fish pulls the other, and the ricebag breaks. The disciples fall in a heap.
Then a villager comes by and asked them what they were doing. When they explained, he goes to the statue and covers it with his chuddar. "Fools!" is all he can say.
But when he hears their well-meaning reasoning behind their foolish endeavors, his heart softens and he gives them an old horse. So the guru and his disciples go on their way. One disciple holds the reins. Two stand, one on either side, to protect him. Another walks just behind the horse.And the fifth marches before, announcing "Make way, the guru is coming."
But their progress is stopped by a tax collector, who demands 5 gold coins for road tax. After much argument, they have to pay. The guru reflects how this free horse was costing him more than it is worth, but says nothing until they are joined by a traveller. To this person the guru unburdens his heart. "What is the world coming to? Now one can't even go on pilgrimage without money to pay off so many rascals."
"Yes", says the traveller. "Today money is both guru and God. If you have money, even a dead body will follow your order."
"Nowadays a man will pick ten paise out of stool and put it in his pocket!" says the guru. "Now, there's nothing wrong with that," answers the traveler. He told a story of a king who was taxing his citizens like anything, and who finally levied a urine tax. He put his eldest son in charge of collecting that. The son was disgusted, and finally complained, "Why are you so interested in gathering this smelly money?" The father replied, "Come to my treasury and smell the money now." Of course, it didn't smell at all. So the son was pleased.
They take rest that night on the outskirts of a small village. The next morning they discover the horse had disappeared. They search till they find the horse tied to a tree by a farmer's house. The farmer angrily tells them the horse has eaten a good portion of his crop in the night, and he isn't going to release the animal to them until they pay damages. A judge is summoned, and he rules that GP has to pay 10 coins.
Then GP tells his disciples he wanted to be rid of the horse. As they walk along they argue this point, the disciples declaring that as guru, he should ride, not walk. Then a priest stop them and says the horse is under a bad spell. For five coins he will drive the spell off. So, they agree, and with much hocus-pocus he finally cuts off the animal's ear and buries it in the ground, declaring that the evil spirit has entered the ear. After that they continue on, finishing their pilgrimage and returning to their ashram without any further incident.
After their return, the guru announces his intention of returning the horse to the owner, as the animal is a constant source of anxiety. "Although it was a gift, no sweetness is without bitterness, no gain without loss. Such is the way of the world. Let's keep out life simple - return this beast."
The disciples protest. They said the horse is given by God. They argue that a small shed should be built to house the animal so that it will not wander loose. Otherwise, since the priest has cut off its ear, there has been no problem.
GP agrees. One disciple climbs up a tree to cut branches for the shed. He sits on a branch and saws at the base. A brahmin comes by and says, "If you continue cutting like that, you'll fall."
"Go away!" the disciple angrily responds. "I don't need your crackpot predictions. The brahmin shrugs and walked off. Sure enough, after another minutes work, branch and fool come tumbling down with a crash.
The disciple then begin to think of the brahmana as a man of mystic vision who can see the future. He chases him, calling "COME BACK!" The brahmin turns to see the madman from the tree with sharpened cutter in hand running after him, and he fears for his life. So he runs in fear. After a long chase, the brahmin stops, exhausted, and turns to meet his fate. But the foolish disciple bows and touches his feet. "Please answer my question I ask on behalf of my guru. Your wisdom can help him, and help us, his foolish disciples who take care of him."
"Yes, what is your question?" "GP is old and sick. Can you tell us what the sign will be that he is going to leave the world."
The brahmana answers, "Asana seetam jivana nasham."
The disciple is awestruck. He forgets everything else, including finishing the horseshed, and returns at once to the ashrama. He falls at the feet of his guru. "Dear master!" he blurts out. "I have information of the greatest importance to you! It concerns your leaving this world. One brahmana has made a prophecy."
The guru is immediately interested. "What did the brahmana say?"
Comes the reply, "When your backside is cold, your soul will leave the body."
"Oh! Then I shall NEVER have a cold backside! I shall not even bathe!" declares the guru with utmost seriousness. "Better dirty than dead."
In this way the guru spent his time, but after a while the ashram ran out of money. It came time to go forth and beg dakshina. "We'll travel to the nearby towns and villages", announces GP to his disciples. "Now, I want you to all be very careful, because we are just going to get some money, not to have a great adventure which ends in disaster, as it has in the past. Please see to it that there are absolutely no unnecessary disturbances as we travel."
GP packs up some belongings in bags and has his disciples strap them to the horse. Then he mounts the horse and off they go. Along the way, the turban on his head is brushed off by an overhanging branch; it falls to the road, but he doesn't notice it. His disciples think, "GP says 'no disturbances', so we'll leave the turban where it lies."
When the sun becomes hot, GP notices his turban is gone. "Where's my turban?" he enquires. The disciple behind the horse answeres, "Oh, it's back about half a mile." GP is furious. "I said, 'no disturbances!' What is this? When I need my turban, you tell me it fell. Why didn't you pick it up?" "Oh...oh...er-" stammers the disciple at this wigging. "Now go back and get it. And from now on, you watch that nothing falls from the horse and is left lying on the road. As I said, I want no disturbances. Be attentive."
So that disciple runs back. As he is returning with the turban, he notices some stool in the road that the horse had passed. So he picks that up and puts it in the turban. When he returns to the party, he hands his guru the shit-befouled headgear.
"What!" cries GP. "Are you mad?!? This turban is filled with poop! How can you give it to me like that?"
The disciple falls upon his knees and beseeches, with folded hands, "I'm truly sorry. But you did say that whatever drops from the horse should be given back to you. I'm only following your divine instructions."
"Alright. You are forgiven," replies the guru, his heart softening. But this foolishness will never do." The disciple says, "We are too unintelligent to follow the deep purpose of your instructions. First you say do this, and when we do, you say no, do that. How can we please you when your instructions change from one moment to the next?"
"Then, here, I'll write a list exactly of what you pick up." GP produces a pen and paper. On it he wrote the names of all the belongings he'd packed on the horse. Then they continue.
Soon they came to an expanse of muddy ground. In the midst of all the mud, the horse stumbles and rears. GP falls off headfirst into the mud, as did the bags. The disciples march onward until they hear their guru cry, "Help me!" They turned and as they run up to their guru, they talk among themselves: "What should we do?" "Easy. Just look what GP has written on his note." So they load all the items listed back into the bags and on the back of the horse, and continued onwards, leaving poor guruji in the filth.
The guru is simply shocked. He flounders after them, calling, but to no avail. Then he sits, shivering, in the mud. Soon a stranger passes by, and GP writes a note, hands it to him, and tells him to run and catch up to the travellers just ahead and deliver it to them. He did so, and when they read, "Please come back and collect your guru and add him to the other possessions on the horse", they come back in great embarrassment.
"Let's go back to the ashrama", is all GP could manage to say to them. As they return, GP reflects that his body had become very cold. He doesn't mention it to this disciples, because they are already so disoriented. When they get back, he cleans himself up and goes to bed. Still his backside remains cold. He decides that death must be immanent. The next morning he reveals his distress to his disciples. They consult among themselves and bring a palmist, who reads GP's hand and declares, "The brahmana's prediction can be counteracted. Death need not accompany a chilly backside."
The disciples are astonished at this statement. "Is it truly in your power to reverse fate itself? I've never heard of such a thing in our scriptures." The palmist haughtily replies, "Don't refer to ordinary religious scriptures; what I speak of is hidden knowledge." He then tells a story to illustrate:
"Long ago, there was a man who was a quite wealthy devotee of Lord Shiva. His vow was, whenever he met a Shaivaite sadhu, he would bring him home and have his wife cook a feast for him. But his wife was not very agreeable to this entertaining of skinny, disreputable persons. So when one day he sent a sadhu home ahead of him with the order that she prepare a feast and serve the sadhu until his arrival, she thought, "I'll put a stop to all this nonsense." So she kindly sat the sadhu on the veranda. Then she came out with the kitchen pounder, spinkled ashes on it and on herself and murmured secret mantras. Then she fell flat before it. Then she picked it up and began entering the house.
The sadhu had watched this performance in amazement. "Dear woman, why are you worshipping this pounder?" "Oh, this is just the tradition in my family. Think nothing of it." She smiled at him strangely. As she passed through the door into the house, she whispered, "When the pounder lands on your head, you'll also pray for its mercy!" The sadhu was very alarmed. "I won't stay here a moment longer; this woman is mad!"
So he jumped off the verandah and ran through the front gate just as the husband was returning. The man tried to stop the sadhu, but he dodged him and darted down the street.
The husband came into the house, demanding an explanation from his wife. She said, "Oh, that sadhu is mad. He demanded I give him the kitchen pounder. I told him no, a sadhu has no need for a pounder, and he became angry and has run off." "Oh, you have ruined everything," her husband exclaimed. "When this sadhu tells the others about your brand of hospitality, no sadhu will ever want to come here again. Why didn't you give him the pounder? We can easily get another." Taking the pounder in hand, he went out, calling the sadhu. He ran down the street. When the sadhu heard him shouting and looked back to see him in hot pursuit, with pounderin hand, he screamed in fright and ran even faster. Then the man had to give up and return home, dejected. "Oh, now what sadhu will vist this house?" was all he could say. His wife tried to hide her happiness."
The guru and disciples laugh a long time. Then GP says, "but I don't follow your point." The palmist says, "The point is simple. Be happy. I've told this story as a joke to make you laugh, not as a lesson of any significance. You are not going to die now. You are cold, yes, but not from death coming, it is from sitting in mud for an hour. That is natural. The brahmana's prediction simply said, when the soul is leaving, the seat (the body) will become cold. But that's not happening to you now. This cold you are experiencing has a quite identifiable cause. Only when you cannot see the cause, will you know the soul is leaving."
GP and his disciples are overjoyed and they give the palmist 15 coins. And so life went on in the ashram more happily than before. But one night there is a rainstorm, and water drips on the asana of the guru while everyone sleeps. The next morning the rain had stopped, so nobody could see where the leak had come from. When GP sat on his seat, he could feel cold. He calls out to his disciples, "I feel cold in my seat. I want to know why."
They search, examine and discuss, but cannot arrive at a clear cause of the guru's discomfort. Seeing their shocked bewildeerment, the guru cries out, "Asana seetam, jivana nasam!" and faints. The disciples try to revive him but to no avail. They decide he is dead. Then they take him to a tank to bath the body. Immersed in the water, the guru retains consciousness. He tries to rise out of the water, but his disciples, fearing the body was being lifted by ghosts, push him down again. He frantically fights for his life. Finally the disciples run from the tank screaming in fear from the powerful ghosts which have seized the body of their guru.
Just then a local cowherd boy chances to enter the ashram grounds, having heard all the commotion. He sees the guru standing alone, naked, in the tank. "What has happened here, maharaja?" the youth good-naturedly smiles.
The guru explains everything. "You are better off without such fools around you," the cowherd boy observes kindly. "Now, you just come out of that tank and dry yourself." GP is happy that finally someone is giving some practical advice. "There is no point in wasting your life maintaining helpers who simply give you trouble", the boy continues. "Now, I maintain a herd of cows. Each cow gives milk, which I collect. There's a little work in all this, of course. But in the end, one can make so many nice preparations from this milk. So let me heat you up a nice bowl of fresh creamy milk. You'll soon warm yourself up and know the real meaning of happiness."
Guru Paramartha Stories Key
1) RIVER CROSSING: a. Life symptom = materialistic nyaya
b. Sleeping river = vaisesika
c. Burning the river = atmavid manyate jagat
d. Salt bags in river = sabdha from wrong source
e. Checking the river = pratyaksa, anumana only
f. Counting = sankhya
g. Old lady's suggestion = improper abhideya
2) HORSE's EGG: a. Egg idea = wrong knowledge of source
b. Method of hatching = yoga; soul as purusa
c. Glorifying guru = blind acceptance & faith
d. Rabbit and egg = matter as source of life
3) STORY OF BULL: a. Shadow )
b. Smell of pakoras } = Vivartavada
c. Payment by sound )
4) FISHING THE HORSE: a. Idea of catching horse = Wrong religion (adharma)
b. Getting horse = Krsna helps, but fruits temporary
5) TAX COLLECTOR: a. Identification with body and the concomitant dues.
(anartha)
6) URINE MONEY: a. "Money is the honey"; kama
7) HORSE STORY: a. Introducing false standards of life; false moksa
b. Spell removal = "scientific" material adjustments
8) ASTROLOGER: a. Acceptance = technical expertise as all-in-all.
b. Not cleaning = adjusting religious principles to
modern so-called needs; niyamaagraha.
9) PICK-UP LIST: a. Picking up stool = blind following
b. Seeing contradiction = "proud of humility" (root of
skepticism)
c. Not picking guru = result of being cheated again and
again; depersonalization
10) SADHU POUNDER: a. Inference without common sense ("dispassionate" mundane academician's view on religion)
11) GP'S "DEATH": a. "Living body - dead body"; final perplexity of modern education; fascination with "anomalous phenomena; cultism.
Guru Paramartha is walking to a temple with his five disciples. He's explaining that "Life is what all living things have and all living things move. The leaves of this tree move, so we know it is alive."
They come to a river. "Is it asleep or awake?" One disciple checks by lighting a branch and sticking it in the river. It hisses and belches steam. They run backwards from the bank. "It's alive!"
They wait in a garden for the river to fall asleep. Another disciple tell show his grandfather lost 4 bags of salt when fording the river with donkeys. "The river stole the salt, and though the bags were still stitched up, the salt was gone!"
They watch a horseman ford the river and think that's the solution to get a horse. Then GP decides that perhaps the river is asleep now. So he tells a disciple to check. He decides to do it the "proven way" - by getting the same stick and putting it in the water. Of course the stick is wet and blackened, so no hiss or steam is produced. He reports back that the river is asleep. (Nyaya philosophy)
They cross it without mishap. When they are on the other side, GP counts heads, but because he can't see himself he counts only five. They are aghast that the river has stolen away one of their number. Another disciple counts up, but with the same result.
They lament loudly. A clever pilgrim comes by and asks what is the matter. Hearing their reply he decides to cheat them. He tells them he is an exorcist and can force the river to return the lost man. He has them bend over and shut their eyes. He says, "When you feel something, you just shout out your name. Then he gives each a whack on the ass with a stick. As each cries out his name, the man announces "One!" "Two!" And so on. Thus they discover six are there. In great thankfulness, they give him 45 gold coins. (Sankhya)
Later an old lady tells them they should just carry a cowpat when they travel and after crossing the river, they should stick their noses in it and count the nose impressions. They like this idea very much.
Back at the ashram, they remember the nice horse they saw. They decide to buy one, estimating it would cost 100 gold coins. But the idea is rejected as too expensive. Then the ashram cow runs off. So one disciple vows to find the cow or not return. After 4 days he returns elated, but has no cow. GP is angry, but this disciple explains that he has found out how to buy a horse for just a few coins. He tells of seeing horse eggs lying in the grass next to a herd of horses. The locals say that the herd belongs to a rich vaishya, and that he'd gladly sell the horse eggs for 5 gold coins.
He gives 2 disciples 5 coins and sends them on their way. Meanwhile the guru and 3 other disciples talk over who will sit on the horse egg, and it seems no-one is more fit than GP, as he has nothing else to do anyway.
In the meantime, the 2 others find the businessman, who tries to "cheat" them, and finally settles on 5 coins for a pumpkin. Walking back, the disciple carrying the pumpkin on his head trips and falls. It lands next to a bush and breaks. In the bush a rabbit was hiding, so when the rabbit runs off frightened, the 2 think its the baby horse and go after it.
They fail, and return in great lamentation. They are sorely afraid of disappointing their guru. But when he hears the story, he seems satisfied.
"As an old man, I could never ride on a horse like that. Don't worry it was only 5 gold coins." (Vaisishika) (Ghodar Deem - Horse's Egg)
Then they prepare for a long pilgrimage. The disciples decide to rent a bull for the guru, as he is so old. They get one for 3 coins a day. They enter an arid desert area, and the guru becomes so overheated he falls off the bull. They put the guru in the shadow of the bull and fan him until the day grows long, and then return to the village where they rented the bull. The next morning they bring the bull back.
The man demands extra payment for the use of the bull's shadow. There is a big fight over this. Then one man comes up and says he could settle the whole matter. He told about eating his home-packed lunch in an inn restaurant, and being asked afterwards to pay for the smell of pakoras that he'd so obviously enjoyed while eating his cold rice. But the owner said he'd just have to pay in kind - "let me smell your moneybag." He told the disciple with the moneybag to shake the bag in the ear of the bull and pay in sound for the use of his shadow.
The next day they travel onward and rested in a temple garden to avoid the midday heat. The temple was built on a lake. The deity is Iyyanar, an assistant to Lord Shiva who kept away ghosts and hobgoblins. The wall of the temple is decorated with clay statues that were sculpted by the villagers as offerings to the god. While one disciple frolics near the lake, he sees the reflection of a horse in the water. Seeing the reflection move, he considers how to catch the horse. So, he and the other disciples make a fishing pole of GP's cane, a turban for a fishing line, a garden knife with a curved blade for a hook, and a sack of cooked rice for bait. They cast in the bait and it is seized by a huge fish. They pull one way, the fish pulls the other, and the ricebag breaks. The disciples fall in a heap.
Then a villager comes by and asked them what they were doing. When they explained, he goes to the statue and covers it with his chuddar. "Fools!" is all he can say.
But when he hears their well-meaning reasoning behind their foolish endeavors, his heart softens and he gives them an old horse. So the guru and his disciples go on their way. One disciple holds the reins. Two stand, one on either side, to protect him. Another walks just behind the horse.And the fifth marches before, announcing "Make way, the guru is coming."
But their progress is stopped by a tax collector, who demands 5 gold coins for road tax. After much argument, they have to pay. The guru reflects how this free horse was costing him more than it is worth, but says nothing until they are joined by a traveller. To this person the guru unburdens his heart. "What is the world coming to? Now one can't even go on pilgrimage without money to pay off so many rascals."
"Yes", says the traveller. "Today money is both guru and God. If you have money, even a dead body will follow your order."
"Nowadays a man will pick ten paise out of stool and put it in his pocket!" says the guru. "Now, there's nothing wrong with that," answers the traveler. He told a story of a king who was taxing his citizens like anything, and who finally levied a urine tax. He put his eldest son in charge of collecting that. The son was disgusted, and finally complained, "Why are you so interested in gathering this smelly money?" The father replied, "Come to my treasury and smell the money now." Of course, it didn't smell at all. So the son was pleased.
They take rest that night on the outskirts of a small village. The next morning they discover the horse had disappeared. They search till they find the horse tied to a tree by a farmer's house. The farmer angrily tells them the horse has eaten a good portion of his crop in the night, and he isn't going to release the animal to them until they pay damages. A judge is summoned, and he rules that GP has to pay 10 coins.
Then GP tells his disciples he wanted to be rid of the horse. As they walk along they argue this point, the disciples declaring that as guru, he should ride, not walk. Then a priest stop them and says the horse is under a bad spell. For five coins he will drive the spell off. So, they agree, and with much hocus-pocus he finally cuts off the animal's ear and buries it in the ground, declaring that the evil spirit has entered the ear. After that they continue on, finishing their pilgrimage and returning to their ashram without any further incident.
After their return, the guru announces his intention of returning the horse to the owner, as the animal is a constant source of anxiety. "Although it was a gift, no sweetness is without bitterness, no gain without loss. Such is the way of the world. Let's keep out life simple - return this beast."
The disciples protest. They said the horse is given by God. They argue that a small shed should be built to house the animal so that it will not wander loose. Otherwise, since the priest has cut off its ear, there has been no problem.
GP agrees. One disciple climbs up a tree to cut branches for the shed. He sits on a branch and saws at the base. A brahmin comes by and says, "If you continue cutting like that, you'll fall."
"Go away!" the disciple angrily responds. "I don't need your crackpot predictions. The brahmin shrugs and walked off. Sure enough, after another minutes work, branch and fool come tumbling down with a crash.
The disciple then begin to think of the brahmana as a man of mystic vision who can see the future. He chases him, calling "COME BACK!" The brahmin turns to see the madman from the tree with sharpened cutter in hand running after him, and he fears for his life. So he runs in fear. After a long chase, the brahmin stops, exhausted, and turns to meet his fate. But the foolish disciple bows and touches his feet. "Please answer my question I ask on behalf of my guru. Your wisdom can help him, and help us, his foolish disciples who take care of him."
"Yes, what is your question?" "GP is old and sick. Can you tell us what the sign will be that he is going to leave the world."
The brahmana answers, "Asana seetam jivana nasham."
The disciple is awestruck. He forgets everything else, including finishing the horseshed, and returns at once to the ashrama. He falls at the feet of his guru. "Dear master!" he blurts out. "I have information of the greatest importance to you! It concerns your leaving this world. One brahmana has made a prophecy."
The guru is immediately interested. "What did the brahmana say?"
Comes the reply, "When your backside is cold, your soul will leave the body."
"Oh! Then I shall NEVER have a cold backside! I shall not even bathe!" declares the guru with utmost seriousness. "Better dirty than dead."
In this way the guru spent his time, but after a while the ashram ran out of money. It came time to go forth and beg dakshina. "We'll travel to the nearby towns and villages", announces GP to his disciples. "Now, I want you to all be very careful, because we are just going to get some money, not to have a great adventure which ends in disaster, as it has in the past. Please see to it that there are absolutely no unnecessary disturbances as we travel."
GP packs up some belongings in bags and has his disciples strap them to the horse. Then he mounts the horse and off they go. Along the way, the turban on his head is brushed off by an overhanging branch; it falls to the road, but he doesn't notice it. His disciples think, "GP says 'no disturbances', so we'll leave the turban where it lies."
When the sun becomes hot, GP notices his turban is gone. "Where's my turban?" he enquires. The disciple behind the horse answeres, "Oh, it's back about half a mile." GP is furious. "I said, 'no disturbances!' What is this? When I need my turban, you tell me it fell. Why didn't you pick it up?" "Oh...oh...er-" stammers the disciple at this wigging. "Now go back and get it. And from now on, you watch that nothing falls from the horse and is left lying on the road. As I said, I want no disturbances. Be attentive."
So that disciple runs back. As he is returning with the turban, he notices some stool in the road that the horse had passed. So he picks that up and puts it in the turban. When he returns to the party, he hands his guru the shit-befouled headgear.
"What!" cries GP. "Are you mad?!? This turban is filled with poop! How can you give it to me like that?"
The disciple falls upon his knees and beseeches, with folded hands, "I'm truly sorry. But you did say that whatever drops from the horse should be given back to you. I'm only following your divine instructions."
"Alright. You are forgiven," replies the guru, his heart softening. But this foolishness will never do." The disciple says, "We are too unintelligent to follow the deep purpose of your instructions. First you say do this, and when we do, you say no, do that. How can we please you when your instructions change from one moment to the next?"
"Then, here, I'll write a list exactly of what you pick up." GP produces a pen and paper. On it he wrote the names of all the belongings he'd packed on the horse. Then they continue.
Soon they came to an expanse of muddy ground. In the midst of all the mud, the horse stumbles and rears. GP falls off headfirst into the mud, as did the bags. The disciples march onward until they hear their guru cry, "Help me!" They turned and as they run up to their guru, they talk among themselves: "What should we do?" "Easy. Just look what GP has written on his note." So they load all the items listed back into the bags and on the back of the horse, and continued onwards, leaving poor guruji in the filth.
The guru is simply shocked. He flounders after them, calling, but to no avail. Then he sits, shivering, in the mud. Soon a stranger passes by, and GP writes a note, hands it to him, and tells him to run and catch up to the travellers just ahead and deliver it to them. He did so, and when they read, "Please come back and collect your guru and add him to the other possessions on the horse", they come back in great embarrassment.
"Let's go back to the ashrama", is all GP could manage to say to them. As they return, GP reflects that his body had become very cold. He doesn't mention it to this disciples, because they are already so disoriented. When they get back, he cleans himself up and goes to bed. Still his backside remains cold. He decides that death must be immanent. The next morning he reveals his distress to his disciples. They consult among themselves and bring a palmist, who reads GP's hand and declares, "The brahmana's prediction can be counteracted. Death need not accompany a chilly backside."
The disciples are astonished at this statement. "Is it truly in your power to reverse fate itself? I've never heard of such a thing in our scriptures." The palmist haughtily replies, "Don't refer to ordinary religious scriptures; what I speak of is hidden knowledge." He then tells a story to illustrate:
"Long ago, there was a man who was a quite wealthy devotee of Lord Shiva. His vow was, whenever he met a Shaivaite sadhu, he would bring him home and have his wife cook a feast for him. But his wife was not very agreeable to this entertaining of skinny, disreputable persons. So when one day he sent a sadhu home ahead of him with the order that she prepare a feast and serve the sadhu until his arrival, she thought, "I'll put a stop to all this nonsense." So she kindly sat the sadhu on the veranda. Then she came out with the kitchen pounder, spinkled ashes on it and on herself and murmured secret mantras. Then she fell flat before it. Then she picked it up and began entering the house.
The sadhu had watched this performance in amazement. "Dear woman, why are you worshipping this pounder?" "Oh, this is just the tradition in my family. Think nothing of it." She smiled at him strangely. As she passed through the door into the house, she whispered, "When the pounder lands on your head, you'll also pray for its mercy!" The sadhu was very alarmed. "I won't stay here a moment longer; this woman is mad!"
So he jumped off the verandah and ran through the front gate just as the husband was returning. The man tried to stop the sadhu, but he dodged him and darted down the street.
The husband came into the house, demanding an explanation from his wife. She said, "Oh, that sadhu is mad. He demanded I give him the kitchen pounder. I told him no, a sadhu has no need for a pounder, and he became angry and has run off." "Oh, you have ruined everything," her husband exclaimed. "When this sadhu tells the others about your brand of hospitality, no sadhu will ever want to come here again. Why didn't you give him the pounder? We can easily get another." Taking the pounder in hand, he went out, calling the sadhu. He ran down the street. When the sadhu heard him shouting and looked back to see him in hot pursuit, with pounderin hand, he screamed in fright and ran even faster. Then the man had to give up and return home, dejected. "Oh, now what sadhu will vist this house?" was all he could say. His wife tried to hide her happiness."
The guru and disciples laugh a long time. Then GP says, "but I don't follow your point." The palmist says, "The point is simple. Be happy. I've told this story as a joke to make you laugh, not as a lesson of any significance. You are not going to die now. You are cold, yes, but not from death coming, it is from sitting in mud for an hour. That is natural. The brahmana's prediction simply said, when the soul is leaving, the seat (the body) will become cold. But that's not happening to you now. This cold you are experiencing has a quite identifiable cause. Only when you cannot see the cause, will you know the soul is leaving."
GP and his disciples are overjoyed and they give the palmist 15 coins. And so life went on in the ashram more happily than before. But one night there is a rainstorm, and water drips on the asana of the guru while everyone sleeps. The next morning the rain had stopped, so nobody could see where the leak had come from. When GP sat on his seat, he could feel cold. He calls out to his disciples, "I feel cold in my seat. I want to know why."
They search, examine and discuss, but cannot arrive at a clear cause of the guru's discomfort. Seeing their shocked bewildeerment, the guru cries out, "Asana seetam, jivana nasam!" and faints. The disciples try to revive him but to no avail. They decide he is dead. Then they take him to a tank to bath the body. Immersed in the water, the guru retains consciousness. He tries to rise out of the water, but his disciples, fearing the body was being lifted by ghosts, push him down again. He frantically fights for his life. Finally the disciples run from the tank screaming in fear from the powerful ghosts which have seized the body of their guru.
Just then a local cowherd boy chances to enter the ashram grounds, having heard all the commotion. He sees the guru standing alone, naked, in the tank. "What has happened here, maharaja?" the youth good-naturedly smiles.
The guru explains everything. "You are better off without such fools around you," the cowherd boy observes kindly. "Now, you just come out of that tank and dry yourself." GP is happy that finally someone is giving some practical advice. "There is no point in wasting your life maintaining helpers who simply give you trouble", the boy continues. "Now, I maintain a herd of cows. Each cow gives milk, which I collect. There's a little work in all this, of course. But in the end, one can make so many nice preparations from this milk. So let me heat you up a nice bowl of fresh creamy milk. You'll soon warm yourself up and know the real meaning of happiness."
Guru Paramartha Stories Key
1) RIVER CROSSING: a. Life symptom = materialistic nyaya
b. Sleeping river = vaisesika
c. Burning the river = atmavid manyate jagat
d. Salt bags in river = sabdha from wrong source
e. Checking the river = pratyaksa, anumana only
f. Counting = sankhya
g. Old lady's suggestion = improper abhideya
2) HORSE's EGG: a. Egg idea = wrong knowledge of source
b. Method of hatching = yoga; soul as purusa
c. Glorifying guru = blind acceptance & faith
d. Rabbit and egg = matter as source of life
3) STORY OF BULL: a. Shadow )
b. Smell of pakoras } = Vivartavada
c. Payment by sound )
4) FISHING THE HORSE: a. Idea of catching horse = Wrong religion (adharma)
b. Getting horse = Krsna helps, but fruits temporary
5) TAX COLLECTOR: a. Identification with body and the concomitant dues.
(anartha)
6) URINE MONEY: a. "Money is the honey"; kama
7) HORSE STORY: a. Introducing false standards of life; false moksa
b. Spell removal = "scientific" material adjustments
8) ASTROLOGER: a. Acceptance = technical expertise as all-in-all.
b. Not cleaning = adjusting religious principles to
modern so-called needs; niyamaagraha.
9) PICK-UP LIST: a. Picking up stool = blind following
b. Seeing contradiction = "proud of humility" (root of
skepticism)
c. Not picking guru = result of being cheated again and
again; depersonalization
10) SADHU POUNDER: a. Inference without common sense ("dispassionate" mundane academician's view on religion)
11) GP'S "DEATH": a. "Living body - dead body"; final perplexity of modern education; fascination with "anomalous phenomena; cultism.
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